Plenty More Fish
‘Plenty more fish in the sea’ mother said
Well there’s something wrong with my line
I’ve been fishing for several years now
And I get it wrong every time.
My cosmic clock is ticking away
And I can’t seem to net me a prize
Perhaps I should alter the bait I use
Because nothing, it seems, gets a rise.
I’ve signed up to so many dating sites
My creel-limit’s right on the line
I’ve used Night Crawlers for some time now
And Red Wigglers seem to do fine.
But I need something much more exotic
To attract me an Apache Trout
They are listed as ‘endangered species’
So time could be running out.
The Buffalo-fish from Wigan
Was definitely a catch-and-release
I mistakenly foul-hooked his Anal-fin
Whilst attempting to stroke his cod-piece.
I’ve blind-casted for far too long now
Catching bottom-feeder, straggler and gnat
And Bucket-mouth Bass from Burnley
Let me tell you ‘You’re not all that!’
My honey hole’s almost dried up now
Can’t think when I was last in post-spawn
I’ve tried lipping and jigging and dipping
(and bumping, from dusk until dawn.)
The time has now come for a culling
No more Crappies, or Crayfish or Pike
Who are only concerned with my pectoral fin
You tail-spinners can all take a hike.
From now on I shall cast in clear waters
No more fishing with a slack line.
My Apache Trout? He’s a keeper
And when I catch him, he’s MINE!
(Inspired by a friend of mine who shall remain nameless! This poem was chosen for inclusion in the Forward Press Regionals 2011 Collection. The words in italics are fishing terms - just in case you thought I was being rude ;)