Plenty More Fish

Plenty More Fish

‘Plenty more fish in the sea’ mother said

Well there’s something wrong with my line

I’ve been fishing for several years now

And I get it wrong every time.

My cosmic clock is ticking away

And I can’t seem to net me a prize

Perhaps I should alter the bait I use

Because nothing, it seems, gets a rise.

I’ve signed up to so many dating sites

My creel-limit’s right on the line

I’ve used Night Crawlers for some time now

And Red Wigglers seem to do fine.

But I need something much more exotic

To attract me an Apache Trout

They are listed as ‘endangered species’

So time could be running out.

The Buffalo-fish from Wigan

Was definitely a catch-and-release

I mistakenly foul-hooked his Anal-fin

Whilst attempting to stroke his cod-piece.

I’ve blind-casted for far too long now

Catching bottom-feeder, straggler and gnat

And Bucket-mouth Bass from Burnley

Let me tell you ‘You’re not all that!’

My honey hole’s almost dried up now

Can’t think when I was last in post-spawn

I’ve tried lipping and jigging and dipping

(and bumping, from dusk until dawn.)

The time has now come for a culling

No more Crappies, or Crayfish or Pike

Who are only concerned with my pectoral fin

You tail-spinners can all take a hike.

From now on I shall cast in clear waters

No more fishing with a slack line.

My Apache Trout?  He’s a keeper

And when I catch him, he’s MINE!

(Inspired by a friend of mine who shall remain nameless! This poem was chosen for inclusion in the Forward Press Regionals 2011 Collection.  The words in italics are fishing terms - just in case you thought I was being rude ;)